Less ME, More WE

I have been Mrs. Huck for 9 years.  Sometimes I think that is a very long time and we feel more like newlyweds, and other times I think "wow, so much has happened - four houses, three kids, one on the way - how can it only be nine years?"  One of my Dad's favorite sayings is that spouses grow to look like each other.  I'm not sure I'm starting to look like Nathaniel, but I am certain I look less and less like Melissa.  But not outwardly - in the way I think, talk, plan, believe, dream.  I look less like me and more like "we."  And I'm good with that.  I will take that as a win.  I hope, over time, our friends will not see us as individuals, but as The Hucks.  When one of us pops into your mind you can't help but think of the other.

This whole "two become one" thing is a bit of an elusive idea, though.  In part because our society has sold us this idea that if you preserve a little part of yourself - you know, "don't loose your identity" - that will somehow save your marriage in the end.  C R A P.  How many old married couples, the ones who are genuinely happy, have you ever heard talk about their separate hobbies, separate bank accounts, those pieces of their lives they held aside?  I don't hear my parents talk about all the times in the last 34 years that they did their own thing.  Their marriage has always been about the same thing their parents' marriages were about: "WE."  They sold out for the mission.  The mission of finding out what it looks like when Ted and Margie become "The Naegels."  And quite successfully I might add.  Not without it's bumps along the way, it's imperfections, the occasional roadblock.  But that makes it all the more worth while!!  They have conquered the junk as a WE, and they can enjoy the fruits of their labor with someone else, and talk about the stuff that happened along the way that no one else knows about.  Marriage is the ultimate inside joke, one of the biggest adventures, and it has a big payoff:  you wake up next to someone every day who, no matter what, has your back.  But only if you sell out to it, and loose yourself in it.

Sometimes marriage brings tragedies and heartbreak when one spouse is lost too soon.  But even then, have you ever heard someone say "I wish I hadn't gotten married" when they are widowed too soon?  No!  They tell the stories of challenges met, hurdles jumped, the race that was run together.  And it cuts deeply because it was a race worth running, and adventure they wish was still happening!

The thing that makes it work is to put on love.

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." Colossians 3:12-14  


You will not make it to the finish without the kind of love that wakes up every morning and chooses to be second to your spouse, chooses to love unconditionally, chooses to put the other first. You cannot keep a little part of yourself tucked away for a rainy day, or waste your time fighting to keep some of your identity. You have to put it all out there and SELL OUT to the WE!
If anything, The Hucks are certainly on an adventure.  We threw our "white picket fence life" out the window a number of years ago and we're much happier to let God write the next chapter and guide our path.  And we are in this thing together.  My family will always be there for me, and so will his.  But ultimately, it's the two of us and the children we've been blessed with, and whatever happens we'll conquer it together.  It will frequently look messy, and it will be something we both work at every single day.  But when we are old and wrinkly and Nathaniel is finally in his rocking chair on the front porch telling our grandkids stories that will make our children mad, we will think of all we allowed God to accomplish in our marriage because we sold out for the cause and became a WE.  And it will be good.

Melissa Wept

The day I posted the following as a "status update" on Facebook was the day I realized I needed an outlet.  After several conversations with friends recently on this very subject and having many friends for whom this journey of miscarriage has been a reality (and frankly so much of the other junk people go through that we as "the church" won't really touch with a ten foot pole) I came to a place of needing to just put this out there.  I really wasn't sure how it would be received, but for my own sanity I needed a place to dump my thoughts because the truth is I WEPT. I had become so consumed with wondering if my friends and loved ones who have walked this path have truly and genuinely felt supported and loved that at times over a matter of a few days I just came to a place of weeping and mourning their struggles, their tears, their incredible faith, their beloved friendship. In an effort not to annoy my FB friends with ridiculously long posts in the future, I'll be using this blog as a dump site for these things that seem to overwhelm my thoughts and emotions - a place I can just put it out there.  And if you care to read it too, then awesome.  


"Jesus wept." John 11:35
There is a wealth of knowledge in these words... 
If we believe the Word to be true, then it is truth to say that a miscarriage or loss of a baby before we know them in this world is something God has allowed as part of His grander plan, but to tread into the territory of presuming that should be reason not to grieve the loss of that life is utter fallacy. The particular phrase I am referencing is one I've heard uttered too many times within the walls of the church: "It's ok. It was just part of God's plan, sweetie. It's probably for the best," or "Don't be sad. God knows what he's doing," always delivered with a half-smile. FALLACY - look it up. A lie. John 11 recounts how Jesus Christ knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead in His own power and with great purpose, and yet "HE WEPT." Let us not take lightly the extent to which our Father is concerned with the grief we bear over loss of life. I have not known (that I am aware) the pain of miscarriage, but the truth is I am among the FEW. Most women of child-bearing age know this pain and "the church" does little to truly comfort and appropriately address the grief and loss that is felt, be it at 6 weeks or 6 months gestation. We sweep it under the rug because it is uncomfortable and believe the lie that to mourn the loss of that life in this world somehow belittles God's grand plan. What truly belittles our God is to treat it as such a small thing so as to "move on" never truly addressing the emotions and grief that come with miscarriage. If anything, we are created in the likeness of One who prizes human life and who grieves the loss of it because it is something to be treasured. For a variety of reasons this has weighed heavy on my heart in recent weeks. DO NOT SKIP THE STEP OF GRIEF! The next time you know someone has suffered such loss, resist the temptation to encourage them to simply move on "in faith", and instead take the time to sit and cry with them, grieve with them. That is, after all, the appropriate response. WEEP. "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4, or as the Message so eloquently puts it: "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." You cannot be truly comforted and receive the peace that passes all understanding until you take the time to mourn.

Blogging to myself....

I was just telling a sweet friend yesterday that I'd like to start a blog, but I'm afraid I'd just be blogging to myself. Because, frankly, sometimes I think I have something worthwhile to say, find someone else has already blogged about it, post a link to Facebook and skip the blogging about it myself. I may end up with a blog about other people's awesome blogs, and I may not actually have anything original to say. Who I am that anyone should care what I have to say anyway? Then I was informed that it's therapeutic. Now we're talking! So, in an effort not to drive Facebook friends nuts with crazy long status updates about my latest passions, and so I can lecture myself online from time to time, here's my blog. Utterly unoriginal and likely to appeal only to family members and friends who love me enough to patronize me. But therapeutic and therefore worthy of my time and effort. That's my reason and I'm sticking to it.